that feeling...

i get that feeling...

And whenever you go it's like holding my breath underwater
I have to admit that I kind of like it when I do
Oh but I've got to be unconditionally
Unafraid of my days without you

yes, my heart aches when I think of you...but I will not stop.

I am trying to remember every single thing about you. I want to bask in every detail of you. I want to close my eyes and hear you breathing. I need to remember how great you are. I have to think about the laughs we shared over silly moments. I cherish the way you looked at me.

I can not let myself forget how happy I felt in your arms. Every moment with you was worth every moment without you.

Beautiful by MercyMe (Lyrics)

Hope

Went to church today. It was the best service I have attended in years! The subject was Mere Hope. I have always had an attraction to the word "hope". Its always meant a great deal to me.

I feel like I lost a lot of hope after my divorce. And I can remember when I saw it again for the first time. Cody was sitting in front of me. He wrote me the sweetest song. I saw it there, in his eyes. It was staring back at me. I felt it deep inside like a wave of water than cleansed all my suffering. I dont want to give up hope, but recent events have made me feel like all hope is lost.

During the service, I heard the words "close the gap between the way things are and they way they ought to be." I heard "rejoice in your suffering because its real". And Hope follows. Suffering produces character.

I dont want to give up on the hope that I have for a relationship with Cody. But I fear he will make that decision for me. I just want "one more moment" with him. Having him in my life has been the biggest blessing. He is an incredible man, one that is funny and loving. He listens to me and makes me feel good about myself. I dont want to give that up. How am I supposed to just let go of the feelings I have for him. Sure I can move on, but I dont want to. He has become my best friend. I dont want to lose my best friend.

So I look at hope today as a feeling that I might not see for a long time. I am walking through the darkness. I wake with a heavy heart and I am not sure how I can continue to breath.

The final song at church was a Journey song. "Dont Stop Believing" Whats that mean?

if you never try, you'll never know.

Its 2am and I want to run. I want to run so hard. I want to run til my body hurts just as much as my heart does. I want to cry and fall down.

The only thing that brings me comfort is music. When I run, I can drown myself in the sound of my heart breaking.

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth