I dont believe in anything but myself

Do you ever feel like you are in this constant battle to have a good day, weekend, month? Occasionally the earth will smile upon you and you will have a good day...an easier one. From time to time, I feel competent and proud because of myself for my consistency. But some days I sense that my hands are bloody from climbing this wall of life.

I feel like in the last few years, I have to constantly fight to feel good inside and out. I play these mind games with myself in order for the pain to lessen. Breathing techniques, stretches, distraction...whatever I can think of. But its days like today, when I feel the weight of the hill that I am trying to run up.

I had this dream that I was driving up a steep hill...So steep in fact, that the cars around me were losing their traction and flying off into space. The person in the passenger seat kept saying to me. "focus, keep the speed the same, be consistent."

That dream haunts me, and not just because I am afraid of driving over steep hills. The interesting part was the person in the passenger seat kept changing voices. The voices were familiar, and they would effect the outcome of the dream before it would start over. The ironic part was that there wasn't a single voice that didn't cause me to falter. I remember waking up and thinking about that Ingrid Michaelson song... "I don't believe in anything but myself." I thought of this song because my dream made my body react the same way that the song does. My heart drops and reality sinks into the spot that remains.

I realize that this life is a constant battle, but I really just want a break sometimes. I want a good day, week, or month. And I want someone else to make it a good day. I want someone to help me carry this weight on my shoulders.

snowfall

just found this song...

fits perfectly with how I feel tonight.

winter song

I still believe in summer days...

Is love alive?

December never felt so wrong... cuz you're not where you belong...inside my arms.

snow

I woke this morning to see the first snow fall of the season. I can't begin to explain the excitement that I felt. When I was a kid, I don't remember getting excited about snow. I don't even remember getting animated about Christmas morning. The Holidays have been really hard for me for a long time. They almost remind me of how lonely I am, and I hate that I have felt that way for as long as I can remember. Christmas makes me miss my dad. I wish that I could remember those days with him...I might like Christmas more.

Its only been a few years that I have really started to enjoy snow. Of course I don't like that the roads are slick or that its freezing outside, but I feel like snow is hope. I feel closest to God when it snows. (and when it rains) While driving today, I wondered why I feel close to God when it snows. The clean snow fall early in the morning makes me feel like things could be different. It symbolizes change. It stirs something deep inside of me, and makes me feel like hope isn't lost. It's as if all the things that have happened in the past are covered by the purity of those white flakes. Snow falling is like shaking an etch-a-sketch, all those things that have been written are gone.

Unfortunately, it doesn't last. The salt trucks turn everything brown and the sidewalks and roadways regain their boring colors. I want to hold on to that feeling that I got when I looked out the window this morning. I felt like a kid again, like there were so many possibilities waiting for me out there in the world.

There are so many things that I am unsure of in my life. I feel very alone. I am not sure what I am supposed to be putting my energy into anymore. There are days I feel like throwing my hands up and just riding the roller-coaster. But life isn't a roller-coaster.

I love to watch movies, because they get me to now think about reality for just a little while. But I have come to learn that life isn't like a movie either. In real life, things happen much slower. I worry sometimes that I am getting bitter. Do I still believe in love, in God, in myself?

As I write that question, I think that I should erase it. Because at the end of the day...I do still believe in those things, but I know that those things cause me a great deal of pain. I know that I will continue to put one foot in front of the other, and I know what I want my life to look like. It just seems so far away.