closer to love...

They say people come into your life for a reason. Sometimes that purpose sits heavy on your heart. I met a man that showed me the path back to myself. He created an environment for me to grow, and he allowed me to regain my confidence.

It started with his complements. He loved my music, my cooking, and my art. He showed me that there are men out there that are capable of loving as much as I do. I am worthy of that. His touch makes me feel joy in ever inch of my body. His voice sounds so sweet and his smile is brighter than sunshine. His understanding is deep, and he is patient. He is gracious and a gentleman. He can make me laugh, and bring a smile to my face with ease. I am beginning to blossom into an intense version of myself. I am grateful.

I remind myself to exhale because he is leaving. So we begin to divide, but hopefully this isn't goodbye. We both have great things ahead of us. "We were way ahead of our time. As bold as we were blind. Just another perfect mistake. Another bridge to take, on the way to letting go." We are both in repair...

I am so hopeful for my future. I have learned more about what I want and need from a man. And to be blunt...if he doesn't treat me as well as Cody then he's out. I deserve more. And I would rather be alone than be with less of a man.

I can only hope that I made such an impact in his life. I would like to stay in the corner of his heart. :)

So tonight, I am closer to love...and tomorrow I will enjoy what time we have left.

Ruah.

How he loves us

How he loves us... (David Crowder Band)

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

Hmmm..... his love is somewhat jealous and fierce. He loves hard and it hurts.

I am inspired by his love. The deep love that is blinding and can sweep us off our feet. It causes a pain in my chest that stops my breath. I try to inhale but it only brings me to tears. Tears that burn with every blink of my eye. I wonder if that is what it feels like to be loved by another person.

What I want more than anything in this world is to be loved like that. I know that I am capable of love that is blinding. I want to be loved by a man. By one here on this earth. I want heaven on earth.

Some use religion to simplify and manage the otherwise unbearable complexity of the human experience. (CS Lewis) I want to use love to soften life's beatings.

Letting Go...

When the rain is falling
And there’s no silver lining
And you just can’t seem to find the light
When you need a reason
To help you keep believing
Let my love be your blue sky...

In the rain life can be so hard it makes you want to give up. But there is always hope.

I’m letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
Losing control
Of my destiny
Feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go

I truly never though I would be here. Especially the divorced at 25 part...and the stuck in Funcie part... haha!

The above are lyrics from one of my favorite artists (Francesca Battistelli) Its inspiring music. Its good to hear that letting go doesnt have to be bad. Im trying hard to realize that my life will never be the same. Not just because of the divorce, but because God is in my life. I have been pretty mad at him lately. I have been pretty bitter and lonely. BUT I realize that I need to swallow my pride and put those feelings aside to grow as a person. There are so many more opportunities in front of me. Im nervous as hell...but I will figure it out.

I have sort of felt abandoned by God, by my ex, and by my friends. So I will address each individually. My friends... I am not mad at them, because I know they have just as many trials as I do. I do however wish for them to be around more. I cherish people in my life. I need physical contact and I need to laugh and cry with my friends. A real friend goes deeper than just the weather. A real friend is there when the shit hits the fan. My friends have been there through the worst part, but I am positive right now they don't know what I need. And unfortunately I don't know what I need from them. I know...confusing... I have some thinking to do...

My ex... I feel abandoned by for obvious reasons. He decided to leave our marriage even after all our promises. Its hard to let that go, but I think counseling has helped. I know now that I am better off, and I might have woke up years from now realizing that I needed and wanted more from him. He isnt capable of giving me what I need to be happy. He got stuck in a moment he couldnt get out... (U2) He needed to pursue a life that didnt include me. I am not mad anymore. He has to go and do what will make him happy. (me too) It is what it is...

God...I feel abandoned by God because I feel like he has taken everything I cherish away from me... Like I said in a recent post "What we embrace God tears away..." Why Im not really sure...but I think it has something to do with the fact that Happiness can destroy us. It can distract us from whats really important and that is him. I am guilty of loving others more than him. I am not sure if that is something bad. My goal is to love people the way he has loved me. I feel like that is what I am called to do. Im a people person. Thats my passion. I live to serve quietly...one person at a time. I love to love people.

My biggest fear is that my pain wont allow me to love. I have felt a disconnect for sometime. I wonder "how can I possibly help/love others when I hurt so bad" I am trying to be patient and remember that it wont always be this way. One day I will be strong enough to love again. Right now Im trying to gather my energy for something bigger, and Im trying to be patient with the cards that God has given me.

So Im gonna work on being perfectly lonely, and Im going to try and let go of the plans I had for my life. I close my eyes and feel the beat of the music, and I let hope overwhelm me.