Letting Go...

When the rain is falling
And there’s no silver lining
And you just can’t seem to find the light
When you need a reason
To help you keep believing
Let my love be your blue sky...

In the rain life can be so hard it makes you want to give up. But there is always hope.

I’m letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
Losing control
Of my destiny
Feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go

I truly never though I would be here. Especially the divorced at 25 part...and the stuck in Funcie part... haha!

The above are lyrics from one of my favorite artists (Francesca Battistelli) Its inspiring music. Its good to hear that letting go doesnt have to be bad. Im trying hard to realize that my life will never be the same. Not just because of the divorce, but because God is in my life. I have been pretty mad at him lately. I have been pretty bitter and lonely. BUT I realize that I need to swallow my pride and put those feelings aside to grow as a person. There are so many more opportunities in front of me. Im nervous as hell...but I will figure it out.

I have sort of felt abandoned by God, by my ex, and by my friends. So I will address each individually. My friends... I am not mad at them, because I know they have just as many trials as I do. I do however wish for them to be around more. I cherish people in my life. I need physical contact and I need to laugh and cry with my friends. A real friend goes deeper than just the weather. A real friend is there when the shit hits the fan. My friends have been there through the worst part, but I am positive right now they don't know what I need. And unfortunately I don't know what I need from them. I know...confusing... I have some thinking to do...

My ex... I feel abandoned by for obvious reasons. He decided to leave our marriage even after all our promises. Its hard to let that go, but I think counseling has helped. I know now that I am better off, and I might have woke up years from now realizing that I needed and wanted more from him. He isnt capable of giving me what I need to be happy. He got stuck in a moment he couldnt get out... (U2) He needed to pursue a life that didnt include me. I am not mad anymore. He has to go and do what will make him happy. (me too) It is what it is...

God...I feel abandoned by God because I feel like he has taken everything I cherish away from me... Like I said in a recent post "What we embrace God tears away..." Why Im not really sure...but I think it has something to do with the fact that Happiness can destroy us. It can distract us from whats really important and that is him. I am guilty of loving others more than him. I am not sure if that is something bad. My goal is to love people the way he has loved me. I feel like that is what I am called to do. Im a people person. Thats my passion. I live to serve quietly...one person at a time. I love to love people.

My biggest fear is that my pain wont allow me to love. I have felt a disconnect for sometime. I wonder "how can I possibly help/love others when I hurt so bad" I am trying to be patient and remember that it wont always be this way. One day I will be strong enough to love again. Right now Im trying to gather my energy for something bigger, and Im trying to be patient with the cards that God has given me.

So Im gonna work on being perfectly lonely, and Im going to try and let go of the plans I had for my life. I close my eyes and feel the beat of the music, and I let hope overwhelm me.