reality check...

I feel like I have spent my whole life waiting. Waiting to get my drivers license, waiting to graduate, waiting on vacation time, waiting on a phone call, waiting to start a family, waiting on the next big thing in my life. I need to refocus. I met this incredible man, and he has made me aware of living in the present. He has taught me to stop waiting and start enjoying. So here I am..."teach me to number my days and count every moment before it slips away...."

I dont want to miss a single second but this is really difficult. Focusing on the present and pondering every moment for what it really is...slowing down...taking a breath and feeling the pure joy of now. When something is difficult, by definition, it requires effort or skill to accomplish. These are skills that I am trying to learn.

The most taxing piece of this is acceptance. Its about letting go and being okay with your life as is. I will be honest, I am not where I want to be. I want a family and to be around people who love me. I want little ones to teach me what love is, and I want to see this world through the eyes of an innocent. I want to hold their little hands and hug their little bodies. I would love to feel them breath as they nap on my chest and see their smile as they dream. I want to be overwhelmed with love. I want to share this blessing with someone who will appreciate the riches of this life just as I do. I want everyone around me to understand that when everything is over its not about what we have done... its about how we have loved.

Sometimes I think everyone can be overwhelmed with their wants. My goal is to enjoy each stage of my life and where I am at today. I sit hundreds of miles away from someone I love very much, and this makes it hard sometimes to focus on life here. I want so badly to be held by his arms, to cook dinner together, or wake up next to him. I want to enjoy my moments with him. This is the most arduous piece of my journey.

I find it very easy to create joy in my life or to be thankful for the blessings that God has given me. Its innate in me. I would not be me if I didn't have something to smile about every single day. I just need to remind my self to trust that I will be where I want soon.

...until tomorrow...

"take in all the colors...before they fade away...."

wanting more...

I have wrestled with my self today. The title of my blog keeps running in my head. I look around and I see all sorts of things to be grateful for, but I keep wanting more than this world has to offer.

To me, true happiness comes from what you surround yourself with. I want to be near people who love me. I want for those people to love me as I love them. I have such high expectations and my attention to detail in relationships has gotten me in trouble.

What I say next might be harsh but I feel like the people that have been my friends for the last few years have become less than friends. I feel like our relationships have become superficial and one sided. I am very sad when I think about this because I need these people to be there for me. I am frustrated because I am sick of telling them that I am disconnected. I feel as if they dont listen.

I need more. I need them to go out of their way to be my friend. I feel like I have bent over backwards to be their friends. And for some reason they have developed a fear of intimacy. I cant remember the last time they listened to me and really heard what I said, and then put what I said to practice. Its sad I know...I get frustrated because I feel invisible.

My good friend, Marissa, has been there for me lately. She is different. She knows when I am having trouble exhaling and she is truly a blessing to have around. I am very happy to have her near me. :)

I went to church today and the sermon was about community. I left very frustrated because the last thing I want to do is love Muncie. I want more from my community than what I am getting. Please dont think I am being a pessimist. There are many things to love about my home town, but Muncie has become another word for Alone.

There are many people around the country that have show me more love from a distance than those people who are here with me. Most of my family is hours away, but I still get that text that says "I love you". I have a few friends is different states but they will send me that email that let me know I still matter to them. And half my heart is in Oklahoma, but he has managed to make me feel so special that my eyes well up with tears. I can tell by his voice that he cares.

I crave people like some crave food or cigarettes. I need to be told frequently that I am important and that I am needed. My mother did a wonderful job at teaching me these things growing up. She taught me that love is about how much time you spend with each other and not about how much money you spend on them.

I will say it again...Happiness is about what you surround yourself with....to be more specific..."who you surround yourself with". I pray to spend more of my days with these people who love me.

So to anyone reading this post. I promise to love you as long as you promise to love me back unconditionally and abundantly.

A Letter

Dear God,

I went to church Sunday...It made me so happy to see you there. Its been a while. The message was about me. I hope they heard it. I sat between friends this week and on the outside I felt slightly whole again...and a little less alone.

I am sad and optimistic but I don't want to get my hopes up. The message spoke of a world where I am greatly needed. I don't want to be ignored any longer. Please keep me going. I want to make a difference here.

Yours truly,

Love