Hope

Went to church today. It was the best service I have attended in years! The subject was Mere Hope. I have always had an attraction to the word "hope". Its always meant a great deal to me.

I feel like I lost a lot of hope after my divorce. And I can remember when I saw it again for the first time. Cody was sitting in front of me. He wrote me the sweetest song. I saw it there, in his eyes. It was staring back at me. I felt it deep inside like a wave of water than cleansed all my suffering. I dont want to give up hope, but recent events have made me feel like all hope is lost.

During the service, I heard the words "close the gap between the way things are and they way they ought to be." I heard "rejoice in your suffering because its real". And Hope follows. Suffering produces character.

I dont want to give up on the hope that I have for a relationship with Cody. But I fear he will make that decision for me. I just want "one more moment" with him. Having him in my life has been the biggest blessing. He is an incredible man, one that is funny and loving. He listens to me and makes me feel good about myself. I dont want to give that up. How am I supposed to just let go of the feelings I have for him. Sure I can move on, but I dont want to. He has become my best friend. I dont want to lose my best friend.

So I look at hope today as a feeling that I might not see for a long time. I am walking through the darkness. I wake with a heavy heart and I am not sure how I can continue to breath.

The final song at church was a Journey song. "Dont Stop Believing" Whats that mean?