power of sin

"I dont think that there are many people that can stay happy for long periods of time. Joy is a temporal thing. Its brief capacity, as reference, gives it its pleasure. And so some of the magic I was feeling began to fade. Its like a man who gets a new saw for Christmas, on the first morning feeling its weight and wondering its power, hardly thinking of it as a tool from which he will produce years of labor. Early on I made the mistake of wanting spiritual feelings to endure and remain romantic. Like a new couple expecting to always feel in love, I operated my faith thinking God and I were going to walk around smelling flowers. When this didn't happen, I became confused."

This small paragraph from a book by Donald Miller brings a lot of feelings to the surface. He follows this by talking about how his loss of exhilaration was less frustrating than the return of his sins. This is where I get confused. I feel the first part of this deeply, but this concept of sin. Its one that I can not grasp. By definition, sin is something that is immoral, wrong, wicked or offensive. This is true in a human capacity or in the eyes of God. I don't feel like a sinner. I never have. Thet may sound vain, but sin is not something I think about.

I want to be a person who feels joy and happiness for long periods of time. I understand that like the saw, gifted to the man at Christmas, spirituality produces years of labor, but I want to feel its weight and wonder of its power. I can own that...I cant own that I need my God to forgive me to become a better person. I simply need to become a better person for me and for my higher power. Whatever that higher power looks like.

The power of sin is similar to the power of religion. It feels like a way people control others. I step back to take a look and I feel like christians have created this concept of sin to gather more believers. I simply think there is a better way to spread the word. I just don't know what that is yet.

settling in...

I guess I am starting to feel like myself again. Only because, I have more direction. I know where I am headed and I know where I have been.

I inhale, I put one foot in front of the other, and I settle in for this long run ahead of me. I feel the heaviness of my heart weighing me down, and slowing my pace. I really miss him. I wonder if there will ever be a day when I don't think of him. His memory brings me joy, and I smile. Bittersweet.

It is a night like this when I truly feel alone. I lie in the dark and stare at the ceiling, thinking of conversations that took place under it. My breath is my only reminder that I will be okay. The tears are proof that I am alive and my sadness stands as an affirmation of the happiness that once was. Its like the memory of a life changing symphony that makes your ears ring because it was so deafening.

Put one foot in front of the other, settle in for this run, breath, clear your mind... Ruach.