invisible

I sit in a room with my friends and they dont see me. I would like to believe that at one point in time I got what I needed from these people....When I talk they dont hear me... I just want to scream! "Dont I matter!!!!"

I am in a place in my life where I need to build up me...I need people around me that show me I matter to them. I need to be valued. I want to be cherished. I want to feel welcome. I feel like I am the 6 year old in the room that gets pushed aways when I tug at their coat. They make me feel like I have nothing to add. I feel invisible and unimportant. I feel stupid and unexperienced in life sometimes and they only magnify those thoughts.

I get that they have things going on in their lives. I am not angry. I am only sad. I can only give so much with nothing in return. I feel like Im ready to walk out, but "I dont wanna be the one to say goodbye" Im exhausted...they exhaust me...

Dont worry...Im not closing the door on my friendships. I just need a little time to adjust to my new surroundings. My expectations will be lower, and I will be grateful when their actions match up to what they "preach".

In my life, I want to practice being authentic. This means I will tell them how I feel and I will not treat them any differently. I pray I can teach them something about how to love someone. I am just not sure how to do this yet...

beautiful

"Dont know how it is you looked at me

And saw the person that I could be

Awakening my heart

Breaking through the dark....

Like sunshine burning at midnight

Making my life something so

Beautiful, beautiful....

Now there's a joy inside I can't contain

but even perfect days can end in rain

and though its pouring down

I see your through the clouds

shining on my face..."

from the bottom my heart...I will sing to you...

Those sweet words...

I have never wanted to say them so much in my entire life...

In fact I have never held my tongue in saying them...

What am I afraid of....

I am amazed...

...you notice every detail about me... nothing goes unrecognized...

...you simply take my breath away, and leave me full of joy...

I feel so special when I am around you!

The following is a few lines of lyrics from a song that is called 'parachute'. Its written by Ingrid Michaelson.

"I dont tell anyone about the way you hold my hand...

won't tell anybody how you turn my world around,

I wont tell anyone how your voice is my favorite sound..."

Just hold on to me...

I have three letters for last week... FML!!!

My house got broken into...needless to say that is the last thing I needed or expected!

I am currently typing on a borrowed computer because my macbook is MIA. Among other things...

I have had a lot of emotional stuff to deal with this week. I have this voice in the back of my head that gives me positive talk, and she was overwhelmed by feelings of loneliness, anger, and sadness. I felt lonely because I am alone. I am angry with God, and sad because there is simply nothing I can do to fix this situation. I just have to wade through the days and survive.

I hear people say "everything happens for a reason" and "God will only give you what you can handle". Well thats all a bunch of crap. Of course I can deal with this violation on my privacy...I'm just pissed because karma isnt on my side these days!

I will say...I have learned a little more about friendship in all this... There were some friends that really stepped up to the plate and were super supportive! Especially Cody. :)

His arms around me makes all those negative thoughts go away... and that positive voice in my head gets a little louder...