I dont believe in anything but myself

Do you ever feel like you are in this constant battle to have a good day, weekend, month? Occasionally the earth will smile upon you and you will have a good day...an easier one. From time to time, I feel competent and proud because of myself for my consistency. But some days I sense that my hands are bloody from climbing this wall of life.

I feel like in the last few years, I have to constantly fight to feel good inside and out. I play these mind games with myself in order for the pain to lessen. Breathing techniques, stretches, distraction...whatever I can think of. But its days like today, when I feel the weight of the hill that I am trying to run up.

I had this dream that I was driving up a steep hill...So steep in fact, that the cars around me were losing their traction and flying off into space. The person in the passenger seat kept saying to me. "focus, keep the speed the same, be consistent."

That dream haunts me, and not just because I am afraid of driving over steep hills. The interesting part was the person in the passenger seat kept changing voices. The voices were familiar, and they would effect the outcome of the dream before it would start over. The ironic part was that there wasn't a single voice that didn't cause me to falter. I remember waking up and thinking about that Ingrid Michaelson song... "I don't believe in anything but myself." I thought of this song because my dream made my body react the same way that the song does. My heart drops and reality sinks into the spot that remains.

I realize that this life is a constant battle, but I really just want a break sometimes. I want a good day, week, or month. And I want someone else to make it a good day. I want someone to help me carry this weight on my shoulders.

snowfall

just found this song...

fits perfectly with how I feel tonight.

winter song

I still believe in summer days...

Is love alive?

December never felt so wrong... cuz you're not where you belong...inside my arms.

snow

I woke this morning to see the first snow fall of the season. I can't begin to explain the excitement that I felt. When I was a kid, I don't remember getting excited about snow. I don't even remember getting animated about Christmas morning. The Holidays have been really hard for me for a long time. They almost remind me of how lonely I am, and I hate that I have felt that way for as long as I can remember. Christmas makes me miss my dad. I wish that I could remember those days with him...I might like Christmas more.

Its only been a few years that I have really started to enjoy snow. Of course I don't like that the roads are slick or that its freezing outside, but I feel like snow is hope. I feel closest to God when it snows. (and when it rains) While driving today, I wondered why I feel close to God when it snows. The clean snow fall early in the morning makes me feel like things could be different. It symbolizes change. It stirs something deep inside of me, and makes me feel like hope isn't lost. It's as if all the things that have happened in the past are covered by the purity of those white flakes. Snow falling is like shaking an etch-a-sketch, all those things that have been written are gone.

Unfortunately, it doesn't last. The salt trucks turn everything brown and the sidewalks and roadways regain their boring colors. I want to hold on to that feeling that I got when I looked out the window this morning. I felt like a kid again, like there were so many possibilities waiting for me out there in the world.

There are so many things that I am unsure of in my life. I feel very alone. I am not sure what I am supposed to be putting my energy into anymore. There are days I feel like throwing my hands up and just riding the roller-coaster. But life isn't a roller-coaster.

I love to watch movies, because they get me to now think about reality for just a little while. But I have come to learn that life isn't like a movie either. In real life, things happen much slower. I worry sometimes that I am getting bitter. Do I still believe in love, in God, in myself?

As I write that question, I think that I should erase it. Because at the end of the day...I do still believe in those things, but I know that those things cause me a great deal of pain. I know that I will continue to put one foot in front of the other, and I know what I want my life to look like. It just seems so far away.

power of sin

"I dont think that there are many people that can stay happy for long periods of time. Joy is a temporal thing. Its brief capacity, as reference, gives it its pleasure. And so some of the magic I was feeling began to fade. Its like a man who gets a new saw for Christmas, on the first morning feeling its weight and wondering its power, hardly thinking of it as a tool from which he will produce years of labor. Early on I made the mistake of wanting spiritual feelings to endure and remain romantic. Like a new couple expecting to always feel in love, I operated my faith thinking God and I were going to walk around smelling flowers. When this didn't happen, I became confused."

This small paragraph from a book by Donald Miller brings a lot of feelings to the surface. He follows this by talking about how his loss of exhilaration was less frustrating than the return of his sins. This is where I get confused. I feel the first part of this deeply, but this concept of sin. Its one that I can not grasp. By definition, sin is something that is immoral, wrong, wicked or offensive. This is true in a human capacity or in the eyes of God. I don't feel like a sinner. I never have. Thet may sound vain, but sin is not something I think about.

I want to be a person who feels joy and happiness for long periods of time. I understand that like the saw, gifted to the man at Christmas, spirituality produces years of labor, but I want to feel its weight and wonder of its power. I can own that...I cant own that I need my God to forgive me to become a better person. I simply need to become a better person for me and for my higher power. Whatever that higher power looks like.

The power of sin is similar to the power of religion. It feels like a way people control others. I step back to take a look and I feel like christians have created this concept of sin to gather more believers. I simply think there is a better way to spread the word. I just don't know what that is yet.

settling in...

I guess I am starting to feel like myself again. Only because, I have more direction. I know where I am headed and I know where I have been.

I inhale, I put one foot in front of the other, and I settle in for this long run ahead of me. I feel the heaviness of my heart weighing me down, and slowing my pace. I really miss him. I wonder if there will ever be a day when I don't think of him. His memory brings me joy, and I smile. Bittersweet.

It is a night like this when I truly feel alone. I lie in the dark and stare at the ceiling, thinking of conversations that took place under it. My breath is my only reminder that I will be okay. The tears are proof that I am alive and my sadness stands as an affirmation of the happiness that once was. Its like the memory of a life changing symphony that makes your ears ring because it was so deafening.

Put one foot in front of the other, settle in for this run, breath, clear your mind... Ruach.

that feeling...

i get that feeling...

And whenever you go it's like holding my breath underwater
I have to admit that I kind of like it when I do
Oh but I've got to be unconditionally
Unafraid of my days without you

yes, my heart aches when I think of you...but I will not stop.

I am trying to remember every single thing about you. I want to bask in every detail of you. I want to close my eyes and hear you breathing. I need to remember how great you are. I have to think about the laughs we shared over silly moments. I cherish the way you looked at me.

I can not let myself forget how happy I felt in your arms. Every moment with you was worth every moment without you.

Beautiful by MercyMe (Lyrics)

Hope

Went to church today. It was the best service I have attended in years! The subject was Mere Hope. I have always had an attraction to the word "hope". Its always meant a great deal to me.

I feel like I lost a lot of hope after my divorce. And I can remember when I saw it again for the first time. Cody was sitting in front of me. He wrote me the sweetest song. I saw it there, in his eyes. It was staring back at me. I felt it deep inside like a wave of water than cleansed all my suffering. I dont want to give up hope, but recent events have made me feel like all hope is lost.

During the service, I heard the words "close the gap between the way things are and they way they ought to be." I heard "rejoice in your suffering because its real". And Hope follows. Suffering produces character.

I dont want to give up on the hope that I have for a relationship with Cody. But I fear he will make that decision for me. I just want "one more moment" with him. Having him in my life has been the biggest blessing. He is an incredible man, one that is funny and loving. He listens to me and makes me feel good about myself. I dont want to give that up. How am I supposed to just let go of the feelings I have for him. Sure I can move on, but I dont want to. He has become my best friend. I dont want to lose my best friend.

So I look at hope today as a feeling that I might not see for a long time. I am walking through the darkness. I wake with a heavy heart and I am not sure how I can continue to breath.

The final song at church was a Journey song. "Dont Stop Believing" Whats that mean?

if you never try, you'll never know.

Its 2am and I want to run. I want to run so hard. I want to run til my body hurts just as much as my heart does. I want to cry and fall down.

The only thing that brings me comfort is music. When I run, I can drown myself in the sound of my heart breaking.

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

whats up with me....

Update on me... for those that care...

I have been feeling really down for a few weeks now...I was feeling yucky physically and emotionally. I am pretty sure I have a bulging disc and have been dealing with decompression treatments and back pain. The treatments have been helping a bunch! So I am feeling a little better physically. I have also been keeping an eye on my sugar levels. I am trying to concentrate on eating more frequently and trying to eat better things too. Sleep is still troublesome, because I dont want to go to bed til 3am! So my focus is to try to get to bed earlier. I really want to get back to running also. There is a 5K in October and I have thought about running it with Michelle. I really need a push to train. I am just so not motivated! So if anyone wants to give me shit about it, please do. I need to be held accountable. haha!

Emotionally, I really miss Cody and I have felt a little alone lately. I have been trying to focus on being with friends. I have been focusing on new friends. I met Bekah a while back and we have gotten really close over the last few months. She is such an awesome girl! (she reminds me of myself when I was a few years younger! haha!). And my girl, Marissa, has been a shoulder for me to lean on. I was really down last week and she really pulled me out of the dirt. I have lowered my expectations with my friends out of necessity because my heart kept getting hurt. I felt like a lot of my friends havent been there. I am truely blessed that I have these two great women in my life! Keep your fingers crossed that Ris gets this job she interviewed for last week!

As far as my business goes, I am super busy! I am taking on another MT's clients. She has some health issues and wont be able to practice any longer. I am extremely grateful to her for offering up her practice. I have been trying to get some coupons and info out to these people. I am looking forward to the next few months and meeting some new people.

I have recently decided to enroll in school. I am hoping to start in January, and I will be attending BSU. I am super excited! I miss school and love learning...I know it will be hard but I know that I will succeed. I have always knew in the back of my head that I wouldnt being doing Massage forever. Its very hard on my body and I get wore out more with my back issues. I really love what I do. I get to help people and really spend quality time with them. I have considered Chiropractic for a number of years, but I also know that it is a very stressful and strenuous profession. I have also considered counseling for a number of years. I used to work with a LMHC and I saw first hand what that profession looks like. I have also been a patient for a few years and I have seen how it can really help during rough times. My goal is to do this. I really believe that I will be great at helping others. I value that quality time with people and I want to do something that enriches the lives of others. I told my counselor and she was super excited. It was the affirmation I needed. I feel good knowing that she believes its a good fit for me. So we will see how I feel about it when I get started in my classes. I am really looking forward to learning a new about myself in a new way. I feel good about stepping outside of my comfort zone and learning a new profession. I may even join the two. I have heard about the benefits of "bodywork". (which includes massage and counseling). :)

AND...I have a vacation coming up! I will be spending two weeks in Oklahoma! I still have to arrange for puppy-kitty-care. haha! But I cant wait! I have never been to OK, and Im not sure what amazing things await me. I just cant wait to see Cody! :)

My family is doing well. I am super proud of my brother, Willie. He started BSU this month and is on his way to being the first of us with a 4 year degree! I miss my fam that lives in Sullivan, but Im hoping to see them for Thanksgiving!

I am really enjoying my kids and my house. I have much to be grateful for...and I am really proud of myself. I have had nothing handed to me and working for everything I have has really been a learning experience. I believe in me.

reality check...

I feel like I have spent my whole life waiting. Waiting to get my drivers license, waiting to graduate, waiting on vacation time, waiting on a phone call, waiting to start a family, waiting on the next big thing in my life. I need to refocus. I met this incredible man, and he has made me aware of living in the present. He has taught me to stop waiting and start enjoying. So here I am..."teach me to number my days and count every moment before it slips away...."

I dont want to miss a single second but this is really difficult. Focusing on the present and pondering every moment for what it really is...slowing down...taking a breath and feeling the pure joy of now. When something is difficult, by definition, it requires effort or skill to accomplish. These are skills that I am trying to learn.

The most taxing piece of this is acceptance. Its about letting go and being okay with your life as is. I will be honest, I am not where I want to be. I want a family and to be around people who love me. I want little ones to teach me what love is, and I want to see this world through the eyes of an innocent. I want to hold their little hands and hug their little bodies. I would love to feel them breath as they nap on my chest and see their smile as they dream. I want to be overwhelmed with love. I want to share this blessing with someone who will appreciate the riches of this life just as I do. I want everyone around me to understand that when everything is over its not about what we have done... its about how we have loved.

Sometimes I think everyone can be overwhelmed with their wants. My goal is to enjoy each stage of my life and where I am at today. I sit hundreds of miles away from someone I love very much, and this makes it hard sometimes to focus on life here. I want so badly to be held by his arms, to cook dinner together, or wake up next to him. I want to enjoy my moments with him. This is the most arduous piece of my journey.

I find it very easy to create joy in my life or to be thankful for the blessings that God has given me. Its innate in me. I would not be me if I didn't have something to smile about every single day. I just need to remind my self to trust that I will be where I want soon.

...until tomorrow...

"take in all the colors...before they fade away...."

wanting more...

I have wrestled with my self today. The title of my blog keeps running in my head. I look around and I see all sorts of things to be grateful for, but I keep wanting more than this world has to offer.

To me, true happiness comes from what you surround yourself with. I want to be near people who love me. I want for those people to love me as I love them. I have such high expectations and my attention to detail in relationships has gotten me in trouble.

What I say next might be harsh but I feel like the people that have been my friends for the last few years have become less than friends. I feel like our relationships have become superficial and one sided. I am very sad when I think about this because I need these people to be there for me. I am frustrated because I am sick of telling them that I am disconnected. I feel as if they dont listen.

I need more. I need them to go out of their way to be my friend. I feel like I have bent over backwards to be their friends. And for some reason they have developed a fear of intimacy. I cant remember the last time they listened to me and really heard what I said, and then put what I said to practice. Its sad I know...I get frustrated because I feel invisible.

My good friend, Marissa, has been there for me lately. She is different. She knows when I am having trouble exhaling and she is truly a blessing to have around. I am very happy to have her near me. :)

I went to church today and the sermon was about community. I left very frustrated because the last thing I want to do is love Muncie. I want more from my community than what I am getting. Please dont think I am being a pessimist. There are many things to love about my home town, but Muncie has become another word for Alone.

There are many people around the country that have show me more love from a distance than those people who are here with me. Most of my family is hours away, but I still get that text that says "I love you". I have a few friends is different states but they will send me that email that let me know I still matter to them. And half my heart is in Oklahoma, but he has managed to make me feel so special that my eyes well up with tears. I can tell by his voice that he cares.

I crave people like some crave food or cigarettes. I need to be told frequently that I am important and that I am needed. My mother did a wonderful job at teaching me these things growing up. She taught me that love is about how much time you spend with each other and not about how much money you spend on them.

I will say it again...Happiness is about what you surround yourself with....to be more specific..."who you surround yourself with". I pray to spend more of my days with these people who love me.

So to anyone reading this post. I promise to love you as long as you promise to love me back unconditionally and abundantly.

A Letter

Dear God,

I went to church Sunday...It made me so happy to see you there. Its been a while. The message was about me. I hope they heard it. I sat between friends this week and on the outside I felt slightly whole again...and a little less alone.

I am sad and optimistic but I don't want to get my hopes up. The message spoke of a world where I am greatly needed. I don't want to be ignored any longer. Please keep me going. I want to make a difference here.

Yours truly,

Love

Something's Got to Change

consume me...

I skip church because I feel nothing right now...

I listen to christian radio stations and songs because I am looking for your inspiration. It used to strike me down like lightening...now I feel nothing... I almost hear hypocritical voices at the other end of the media. I have thrown up my hands looking for hope in the same places as before. Im an addict and I yearn to feel your high again like it used to be. I cant find you. I see people who have it all wrong. I see people who dont love like I believe you love me. I want to find heaven here on earth even for one minute.

One life is all I am...If you are all you say you are...would you come close and hold my heart. One voice in a sea of pain...could the maker of this life and stars hear the sound of my breaking heart...one life is all I have...would you come close and hold my heart...

happy

I look around and everything I see reminds me of you. It makes me think of the sweetness in your voice and the soft touch of your hands on my face. I can hear your laugh and feel your love. You make every cell in my body smile.

We go our whole lives wishing for one happy moment with someone who loves us.

I have a lot to look forward to... :)

I promise to be patient...If you promise to be yourself.. :)

invisible

I sit in a room with my friends and they dont see me. I would like to believe that at one point in time I got what I needed from these people....When I talk they dont hear me... I just want to scream! "Dont I matter!!!!"

I am in a place in my life where I need to build up me...I need people around me that show me I matter to them. I need to be valued. I want to be cherished. I want to feel welcome. I feel like I am the 6 year old in the room that gets pushed aways when I tug at their coat. They make me feel like I have nothing to add. I feel invisible and unimportant. I feel stupid and unexperienced in life sometimes and they only magnify those thoughts.

I get that they have things going on in their lives. I am not angry. I am only sad. I can only give so much with nothing in return. I feel like Im ready to walk out, but "I dont wanna be the one to say goodbye" Im exhausted...they exhaust me...

Dont worry...Im not closing the door on my friendships. I just need a little time to adjust to my new surroundings. My expectations will be lower, and I will be grateful when their actions match up to what they "preach".

In my life, I want to practice being authentic. This means I will tell them how I feel and I will not treat them any differently. I pray I can teach them something about how to love someone. I am just not sure how to do this yet...

beautiful

"Dont know how it is you looked at me

And saw the person that I could be

Awakening my heart

Breaking through the dark....

Like sunshine burning at midnight

Making my life something so

Beautiful, beautiful....

Now there's a joy inside I can't contain

but even perfect days can end in rain

and though its pouring down

I see your through the clouds

shining on my face..."

from the bottom my heart...I will sing to you...

Those sweet words...

I have never wanted to say them so much in my entire life...

In fact I have never held my tongue in saying them...

What am I afraid of....

I am amazed...

...you notice every detail about me... nothing goes unrecognized...

...you simply take my breath away, and leave me full of joy...

I feel so special when I am around you!

The following is a few lines of lyrics from a song that is called 'parachute'. Its written by Ingrid Michaelson.

"I dont tell anyone about the way you hold my hand...

won't tell anybody how you turn my world around,

I wont tell anyone how your voice is my favorite sound..."

Just hold on to me...

I have three letters for last week... FML!!!

My house got broken into...needless to say that is the last thing I needed or expected!

I am currently typing on a borrowed computer because my macbook is MIA. Among other things...

I have had a lot of emotional stuff to deal with this week. I have this voice in the back of my head that gives me positive talk, and she was overwhelmed by feelings of loneliness, anger, and sadness. I felt lonely because I am alone. I am angry with God, and sad because there is simply nothing I can do to fix this situation. I just have to wade through the days and survive.

I hear people say "everything happens for a reason" and "God will only give you what you can handle". Well thats all a bunch of crap. Of course I can deal with this violation on my privacy...I'm just pissed because karma isnt on my side these days!

I will say...I have learned a little more about friendship in all this... There were some friends that really stepped up to the plate and were super supportive! Especially Cody. :)

His arms around me makes all those negative thoughts go away... and that positive voice in my head gets a little louder...

closer to love...

They say people come into your life for a reason. Sometimes that purpose sits heavy on your heart. I met a man that showed me the path back to myself. He created an environment for me to grow, and he allowed me to regain my confidence.

It started with his complements. He loved my music, my cooking, and my art. He showed me that there are men out there that are capable of loving as much as I do. I am worthy of that. His touch makes me feel joy in ever inch of my body. His voice sounds so sweet and his smile is brighter than sunshine. His understanding is deep, and he is patient. He is gracious and a gentleman. He can make me laugh, and bring a smile to my face with ease. I am beginning to blossom into an intense version of myself. I am grateful.

I remind myself to exhale because he is leaving. So we begin to divide, but hopefully this isn't goodbye. We both have great things ahead of us. "We were way ahead of our time. As bold as we were blind. Just another perfect mistake. Another bridge to take, on the way to letting go." We are both in repair...

I am so hopeful for my future. I have learned more about what I want and need from a man. And to be blunt...if he doesn't treat me as well as Cody then he's out. I deserve more. And I would rather be alone than be with less of a man.

I can only hope that I made such an impact in his life. I would like to stay in the corner of his heart. :)

So tonight, I am closer to love...and tomorrow I will enjoy what time we have left.

Ruah.

How he loves us

How he loves us... (David Crowder Band)

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
And how great Your affections are for me.

Hmmm..... his love is somewhat jealous and fierce. He loves hard and it hurts.

I am inspired by his love. The deep love that is blinding and can sweep us off our feet. It causes a pain in my chest that stops my breath. I try to inhale but it only brings me to tears. Tears that burn with every blink of my eye. I wonder if that is what it feels like to be loved by another person.

What I want more than anything in this world is to be loved like that. I know that I am capable of love that is blinding. I want to be loved by a man. By one here on this earth. I want heaven on earth.

Some use religion to simplify and manage the otherwise unbearable complexity of the human experience. (CS Lewis) I want to use love to soften life's beatings.

Letting Go...

When the rain is falling
And there’s no silver lining
And you just can’t seem to find the light
When you need a reason
To help you keep believing
Let my love be your blue sky...

In the rain life can be so hard it makes you want to give up. But there is always hope.

I’m letting go
Of the life I planned for me
And my dreams
Losing control
Of my destiny
Feels like I’m falling and that’s what it’s like to believe
So I’m letting go

I truly never though I would be here. Especially the divorced at 25 part...and the stuck in Funcie part... haha!

The above are lyrics from one of my favorite artists (Francesca Battistelli) Its inspiring music. Its good to hear that letting go doesnt have to be bad. Im trying hard to realize that my life will never be the same. Not just because of the divorce, but because God is in my life. I have been pretty mad at him lately. I have been pretty bitter and lonely. BUT I realize that I need to swallow my pride and put those feelings aside to grow as a person. There are so many more opportunities in front of me. Im nervous as hell...but I will figure it out.

I have sort of felt abandoned by God, by my ex, and by my friends. So I will address each individually. My friends... I am not mad at them, because I know they have just as many trials as I do. I do however wish for them to be around more. I cherish people in my life. I need physical contact and I need to laugh and cry with my friends. A real friend goes deeper than just the weather. A real friend is there when the shit hits the fan. My friends have been there through the worst part, but I am positive right now they don't know what I need. And unfortunately I don't know what I need from them. I know...confusing... I have some thinking to do...

My ex... I feel abandoned by for obvious reasons. He decided to leave our marriage even after all our promises. Its hard to let that go, but I think counseling has helped. I know now that I am better off, and I might have woke up years from now realizing that I needed and wanted more from him. He isnt capable of giving me what I need to be happy. He got stuck in a moment he couldnt get out... (U2) He needed to pursue a life that didnt include me. I am not mad anymore. He has to go and do what will make him happy. (me too) It is what it is...

God...I feel abandoned by God because I feel like he has taken everything I cherish away from me... Like I said in a recent post "What we embrace God tears away..." Why Im not really sure...but I think it has something to do with the fact that Happiness can destroy us. It can distract us from whats really important and that is him. I am guilty of loving others more than him. I am not sure if that is something bad. My goal is to love people the way he has loved me. I feel like that is what I am called to do. Im a people person. Thats my passion. I live to serve quietly...one person at a time. I love to love people.

My biggest fear is that my pain wont allow me to love. I have felt a disconnect for sometime. I wonder "how can I possibly help/love others when I hurt so bad" I am trying to be patient and remember that it wont always be this way. One day I will be strong enough to love again. Right now Im trying to gather my energy for something bigger, and Im trying to be patient with the cards that God has given me.

So Im gonna work on being perfectly lonely, and Im going to try and let go of the plans I had for my life. I close my eyes and feel the beat of the music, and I let hope overwhelm me.

Home

"Everybody has to leave, everybody has to leave their home and come back so they can love it again for all new reasons." DM

I have never left home... hmm

The Simple Things

"It is always the simple things that change our lives. And these things never happen when you are looking for them to happen. Life will reveal answers at the pace life wishes to do so. You feel like running, but life is on a stroll. This is how God does things"

Yet another Donald Miller quote...looks like Im gonna be into his work for a bit...

Okay...so I get to thinking about the Reba song that talks about your true love being right under your nose and not knowing it... Why do people say that? Its it like when we are told that boys who pick on us by throwing boogers or pushing us down are doing it because they like us? Is it torture or is it tattooing hope on our hearts.

The simple things are what help us deal with this intolerable world.

My patience absolutely sucks!

Is this how God does things? Really? Prove it?

Perfectly Lonely

"Believing in God is as much like falling in love as it is making a decision. Love is both something that happens to you and something you decide upon."

I have decided more than once to be in love with God. And he has definitely "happened" upon me.

I have decided more than once to be in love with a man...and the only thing that happens is that I get left.

People say that things happen for a reason and that God has a plan. I agree to the first part, but I struggle with the second. It comes back to the ultimate question, Why does God let us suffer?

A good friend of mine once said..."What we dismiss, God cherishes. What we embrace, God tears ways. The very things we believe are not truth at all. What we perceive as spiritual has its roots in the earth, and the God that pursues us will forsake us at our most critical moment and let us crumble in despair and fall into darkness. It is there, where he hides. He is unseeable. He touches us with his wounds and embraces us in the darkness."

So to sum it up, we suffer because it brings us closer to God. Really? I don't know of any prophet who hasn't suffered. And I don't know any that God hasn't loved either. I know that God loves me and I know that I suffer, but are the two really connected?